Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Be A War Child Form A Circle

After taking yesterday off I hoped my knee would feel better but it didn't, its just as bad if not worse. I ran an easy 35 minutes around the Green Street trail to see if easy running on soft trails would be cool. It wasn't a complete failure but it wasn't great either. More of that going through the motions stuff that never ends positively. The whole concept of going through the motions does my head in. It lacks any passion or spontaneity. It is as good as giving up, accepting that life offers nothing great and to use a Radiohead lyric, we are all reduced to not living but killing time. The same is true in running and I don't want to go down that road of getting through a few painful miles here and there because I can tolerate it. It takes the fun away and once the fun is gone whats the point? I accept that like many runners I'm addicted to the activity. I am addicted to racing and very addicted to the pain associated with hard training. But it is not all I am and sometimes when I am limping around a trail or down a road because I can't deal with not running I question myself. What is my plan or at the very least what do I hope to achieve by further damaging my body. Should I not spend that time in the gym working on getting things stronger, something that will help rather than hinder. Should I spend the time doing yoga, or having a nap. I know these are things that will help but I always go down the road of choosing activity either in the form of running or biking. So maybe it is all I am. Maybe I'm in denial that at 32 slowly something I love is being taken away. When I was running at my best in 2000/01 and 2003, I used to take days off all the time. Ray would have me take 3 recovery days between sessions and I loved it. I didn't really care if I had to miss a morning run. But now its like a race against time. I can't bare to miss a session and even though I do take days off the anxiety is still present. I turn to my favorite pass time outside of training which is hearing live music and that helps a lot. So anyway, while I suffer through a down week to let the inflammation go down in my knee I need to really think about the bigger picture. Do I want to still deal with this pain everyday or do I move on and start a new challenge, taking on more of what living has to offer. To quote the wonderful poet Morrissey, "There are brighter sides to life, and I should know because I've seen them, but not very often". I have seen them often and I know there are brighter sides so its time to bring them back. Few days off will help, and it will bring back the positivity that is missing right now.

Love Kel

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